Losing it! 家常便饭。。。

The 4 months zoomed by and it has already been 3 months since then.

No time for blogging. I tried to make mental notes of things that I would like to write about but when I finally sat in front of my laptop, my mind would go blank. I hope this bad memory thing is part of having a child and will improve over time.

Just checked the drafts folder and found this entry that is incomplete. Memories are really too fuzzy now for me to try to complete it. I’ll just post as it is then.

The 4 months…

1. Birthing process

Till this day, I have no idea why my water bag ruptured. But anyway, it was a relief for me to have her arrive earlier ‘cos I was getting quite tired by 36 weeks.

The whole birthing process was bloody and messy but I guess bearable. Not so scarred that I won’t have a second one. But I’ll think twice about going back to the same gynae. She was all friendly again after the ordeal but still I think she could have given me more mental support during the delivery.

And who said anything about being overwhelmed with joy when the baby was first placed in your arms. I was too tired to even see how the little one looked like. All I know was I need to stop my gynae from sewing me up before the epidural kicked in again!

2. Hospital stay

Had a lot of folks visiting. Am thankful and tired at the same time. The room was cool but was a little disappointed that I didn’t manage to get the Deluxe Room. Everything just happened so quickly for the first few days and before I knew it, we were discharged.

3. Confinement

The first month was hellish for me. I was getting used to the baby and she was getting used to being out of the womb. So there was severe lack of sleep. 

I’m thankful that I’m not totally clueless when it comes to taking care of an infant. Had lots of practice with my nephrews and nieces. The nurses at the hospital were quite puzzled why I didn’t want to go for the bathing demos. And whenever I declined their offers, I thought to myself “How hard could it be?”

Nursing was new to me though.  Xuan found it hard to latch on properly ‘cos of the shape of my nipples. I didn’t have a lot of milk either. So we decided to put her on both breast milk and formula. I was sad that I couldn’t be a cow but just had to accept it and do what’s best for her.

As for all the “rules” set for confinement, I don’t think I adhered to them. Humored my sister and bathed in chinese herbs. Humored the elders by occasionally wearing slippers. But when they are not around, I didn’t quite bother. Hopefully whatever illness and discomforts that they were threatening me with don’t come true when I’m old.

Matt stayed home to help now and then but most of the time, I was alone. So cooking was out of the question and had to order confinement food. It tasted alright for the first few days. Then it started to get unbearable. Before I could finish drinking one soup, another one was delivered.  They didn’t even bother slicing up the fish so at times, I found myself staring at them (intact with heads) swimming in the soup till I threw them away. Yes, wasteful but I didn’t want to risk emptying my stomach.

And then there were the Jamu massages. I was trying to be ultra nice to the massage lady because she looked like someone who knows black magic! Anyway, the massages were too oily and hate the tingling burning sensation caused by the oilment used. As for the cloth that binded my tummy, the moment she was out of the door, I would remove it. Can’t breathe. So no wonder my tummy is still quite big now.

The massages she gave my baby looked a little scary too. She was so tiny and the strokes were rough. I had to go along with it because Matt and my family felt that massages were good for Xuan.

The first month was also the peak of my possessiveness towards my baby. I think I was pretty high strung. Not sure if it was post natal blues but I definitely wasn’t quite myself for a while and didn’t like others “hogging” her.

3. Gifts and Friends

I’m thankful for all the gifts. There were the hand-me down pretty baby clothes from Val, Gab and Valencia; strollers from my sister, hsin, sihui, baby carrier from my colleagues etc.

My child is such a lucky girl! 

4. To do list

I had a list drawn up. All the plans that was to be executed during the 4 months maternity. For e.g. to get my citizenship application going, to have afternoon teas with all the SAHMs, to have dinners with friends etc. None of those items were completed and striked off the list.

It’s not easy taking care of a baby and doing chores alone. So I felt quite drained of energy most of the time and didn’t feel like doing anything else. Val and Cons tried to get me out of the house. Am thankful but I’ve declined the offers. Perhaps like what hsin said, my reluctance came partly from knowing that the number of 24 x 7 days with Xuan was finite and was trying to grab every minute to be alone with her.  

5. work

It never crossed my mind.